Healthy little fires

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Not a warrior

Hey gang. I've been feeling a bit down lately.

But first: On my laziness combat plan, I have been going to more parks, joined the YMCA, started sewing, but I'm still working on all of these things and trying to remembers friends.

I'm trying to keep video journals of my gym progress. Here's uploaded #1.

ETA: ending on an upper! a video from the park today...

Feeding ducks!

I'm not lazy...plus other related news (this is a LONG post)

So on Facebook today, I put as my status:

'and I'm not lazy,' he said, the autodidact. {autodidact: the self-taught man} fucking structured education. Learning for the sake of knowing. Knowing for the sake of living. People fall into two groups regarding life-- living and surviving. Surviving implying, of course, that they are victims. I want to live inside outside upside down. It's the only way I want to know how.

Let me explain.

I was talking to a friend. He hates educational institutions; I can't get away from them because I love them so. (There's a difference.) He's motivational, because he's disciplined. Something I need desperately to learn. I asked him how he's made it so far. He talked and said near the end "and I'm not lazy." BAM.

I was upset.  But why?

He said nothing to attack me. He didn't even mention me. I took offense, because laziness is one of my flaws. I find myself to be terribly lazy. I find myself wanting the structure of school, of someone to push me to do something. I want others to hold me accountable more than I want to hold myself accountable.

Not with everything, mind you. Especially not with work (thank goodness). But I am, for the most part, lazy. I would rather complain than fix and I hate that I complain so much. Oh, what a nasty circle.

Anywhoo, I've been taking strides to better my mind and better my life and not be so lazy and to really fix myself up. 

I think this kick really started when a different friend sent me this video (opens in new window). That is Shawn Achor. He talks about happiness. We have this skewed idea that success===>happiness. It's the other way around. WATCH IT.

Then I started thinking about my own happiness and what that actually means to me. Conveniently, at that time, I also was gearing up to go to NYC and Boston.

NYC

Stayed with a friend. Walked the Brooklyn Bridge. Saw a free night of one-act plays. Ate at Spotting Pig. Went to NJ. Walked around Central Park. It was delightful. delightful. New York is beautiful and cultured and really a magical place to be.

Gabe and me on the Brooklyn Bridge. Beautiful Day. There's a building to the left of his face, looks like little boxes, I was obsessed with it.

Chinatown. $2.

View from the Winter Gardens.

Central Park.

I was obsessed with the tree behind me.

I also went to a few Apple stores (because I'm a nerd). But I really had a splendid time.

Boston

In Boston I was able to relax. I woke up, did crosswords, drank tea (tons of it!), talked my friends' ears off, socialized, really came back to myself. I gained perspective on a lot of things (and then lost it again in Charlotte, and then found it again). I came to love Boston. I hope to go to graduate school there. It feels...right, somehow.

Charleston

Did a 10k. w00t. 

Back home

I knew I had to make changes in my life. I have to not be lazy. I have to be the only motivation for me. So here's the plan!

1. Go to as many parks on as many days as possible! I've always loved parks. As a youngin', my daddy would take me all over. I would swing and love it and play and just relax at parks. Then in high school, my neighborhood park became kind of a social hub for my friends. Don't know what to do? Go there. Talk. Be together. Parks and trails bring about a peace in me. Can't explain it. Need more of it in my life.

Saw this little guy on the trail the other day!

2. Start dancing. or something. I keep talking about wanting to learn to dance so I'm just going to go do it! Even if I have to teach myself for a while and that mostly consist of hopping up and down in my house with the music on blast. I'm going to dance. I'm going to shake my tail feather (hah!).

3. Clean. I need to clean my house. I'm giving myself a list of chores to do every day or every night (depending on my work schedule). I need to do the dishes every night. vacuum 2x a week. laundry every night until i'm done. i'm going to get my home spotless. and that requires diligence.

4. Read Intuitive Eating. My best friend told me to, because it would help me, and I haven't yet. So I'm gonna. No excuses.

5. Sew! I found some really cute patterns for a sundress and skirt and cute fabric, so I'm gonna make myself some clothes. (I got 2x more fabric than I needed, so if anyone has requests, I'm taking them!)

For the skirt. It'll have slight pleats and a sash!

For the sundress. Oh la la!

6. Remember that I do have friends. and family. I have people I can go to when I need help. I'm not alone.

7. Stop being lazy. Simple as that.  

A Special V-Day Treat!

Hello hello!

nearly exactly two months since my last post. So much has happened. Too much to talk about just yet.

I have a special v-day treat. a nice little online mixtape for all you lovely listeners!

love in three sections....
I tried to find songs that aren't as well known 


all links open in a new window

THE REALITY?
Fisher//Mad Girl's Love Song
Jaymay//Grey or Blue
Postal Service//Nothing Better

THE REALIZATION
Florence + the Machine//Drumming Song
Sky Ferreira//Animal (Miike Snow cover) (this cover feels more painful than the original. more about how it feels to battle yourself)
Eisley//I Wasn't Prepared
Rocco de Luca + the Burden//Colorful
Christine Kane//The Good You Do

THE REAL
Of Montreal//Wraith Pinned to the Mist (and other games)
Regina Spektor//I Want to Sing
Fruit Bats//Earthquake of '73
Tracy Chapman//Happy
Over the Rhine//Born (this song may seem an unusual choice. in an interview, the lead singer explained that she and her partner would open a bottle of wine each night for a while and simply talk until the wine was finished. it was an act to learn more about each other rather than get drunk)
Death Cab for Cutie//A Lack of Colour

Enjoy!

<3 <3 <3

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rives.
Meanwhile the wild geese high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

"Wild Geese"--Mary Oliver


So I think about this poem every day. Every single day. It calms me, it soothes me, it allows me to see myself from a different perspective. The poem evolves. Whenever I think of it, I find the meaning has changed from the previous time. The soft animal of your body. Powerful. Allowing yourself to trust your instincts, to not be ashamed of your feelings, to feel vulnerable. So much is right with this poem. It quells my anxieties. It allows me to breathe.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to write a ridiculously long post. Fortunately, I've mapped out sections, so you don't have to read everything if you don't want to.

1. Music
2. My personal life
3. Views on the word "queer" (because some discussions have presented themselves)

MUSIC

You must listen to Zoe Keating and Tracy Chapman immediately. Zoe Keating plays cello on a loop. Beautiful, mystical. I love her. I want to see her live. I especially like "sun will set" (video).

I'm also crazy into Tracy Chapman right now. She sings my life. My life. The good, the bad, the philosophies, the insecurities. She inspires me. My favourites are "Broken" and "Happy"

These are on repeat in my car right now. true story.


MY PERSONAL LIFE
meh I waited until the end to write this one, so I'm tired. I love my work. I love my work family. I get lots of hugs!! It's the best--because wow, if I didn't, I'd probably go a wee bit crazy(er) than usual. But now I'm trying to find motivation to work out and to pay for things that matter, like bills and medicine rather than socks. Although one could argue that socks matter.

Since it is Thanksgiving, I'm especially reminded of my gifts. I've been given working legs, a working brain, food for my stomach, my own room and bed, a loving cat, excellent friends who truly care about me, a job, a bottle of Gluehwein for Christmas time, books, a computer, a family that loves me very much, and a sense of humor to get me through the tough times. 

I'll update this more later. How about we do this: ask three questions. I'll answer honestly. :)


VIEWS ON THE WORD QUEER
People have heard me use the word queer, and they're surprised by it. To most, queer has been only used in derogatory ways. and that's true. but it's also true that the gay community is reclaiming the word. Queer Studies can be studied at many universities. the glbtQa (gay lesbian bisexual transgender queer and ally) community uses queer as a catch-all to include the non-specified members. Consult this site for more information on the queer terms. Long story short: I have no qualms with the word queer. I like using it in a standard context. Obviously, I don't approve of its derogatory use, but I approve of its normal use.

Pay particular attention to the term "pansexual;" it's how I identify myself. In my book, it also includes the way I love someone. When I look for a partner, I look for personality characters, not physical ones. That's why I consider myself pansexual as opposed to bisexual. But that's personal preference (people have disagreed with me before).

I'm also making an effort not to use the term "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (unless specified by the opposite party), instead using the word "partner." That gets tricky though, doesn't it? Because partner sounds more serious than b/g-friend. Partner implies a long-term commitment. Tricksy.

And so the busy autumn comes

So before I delve into this entry, I'm going to give a sidenote. I love calling this season Autumn and not Fall. It's more specific and it looks and sounds prettier.

Anywho, sorry I've been away for such a long time. I've gotten lost in all my excitement.
1. New Job. Woooooo! I'm gonna get paid soooooooon!!!
2. I am gearing up for graduate school/programs for last year. On the list in the US are Stanford, UC-Davis, and UNC. For overseas, I'm looking at Uni Münster and Uni Marburg (through DAAD). I'm looking at CBYX, a language immersion class, uni semester, and internship program. AND I'VE DECIDED TO APPLY TO CAMBRIDGE. Like, the one in the UK. True story. So I've been incredibly busy finding recs, writing essays, and filling out apps and such. And training for my new job.
3. I need to exercise again. I'm tired a lot (from #1 and 2), but I need to get moving and de-stress that way. ugggggh.
4. I've been doing my own research on Food Culture. I've become best friends with the library; I attended a presentation and meeting at Chapel Hill, and I'm trying to meet people in CLT. Apparently UNC-Charlotte is developing a sustainability program? awesome!
5. I've ALSO been marathoning through Q.I. I think that's my favourite show.

I don't know what else to write except thanks all for reading! and i won't find out about these grad schools and such until (at the earliest) March. boo.