I'm not lazy...plus other related news (this is a LONG post)

So on Facebook today, I put as my status:

'and I'm not lazy,' he said, the autodidact. {autodidact: the self-taught man} fucking structured education. Learning for the sake of knowing. Knowing for the sake of living. People fall into two groups regarding life-- living and surviving. Surviving implying, of course, that they are victims. I want to live inside outside upside down. It's the only way I want to know how.

Let me explain.

I was talking to a friend. He hates educational institutions; I can't get away from them because I love them so. (There's a difference.) He's motivational, because he's disciplined. Something I need desperately to learn. I asked him how he's made it so far. He talked and said near the end "and I'm not lazy." BAM.

I was upset.  But why?

He said nothing to attack me. He didn't even mention me. I took offense, because laziness is one of my flaws. I find myself to be terribly lazy. I find myself wanting the structure of school, of someone to push me to do something. I want others to hold me accountable more than I want to hold myself accountable.

Not with everything, mind you. Especially not with work (thank goodness). But I am, for the most part, lazy. I would rather complain than fix and I hate that I complain so much. Oh, what a nasty circle.

Anywhoo, I've been taking strides to better my mind and better my life and not be so lazy and to really fix myself up. 

I think this kick really started when a different friend sent me this video (opens in new window). That is Shawn Achor. He talks about happiness. We have this skewed idea that success===>happiness. It's the other way around. WATCH IT.

Then I started thinking about my own happiness and what that actually means to me. Conveniently, at that time, I also was gearing up to go to NYC and Boston.

NYC

Stayed with a friend. Walked the Brooklyn Bridge. Saw a free night of one-act plays. Ate at Spotting Pig. Went to NJ. Walked around Central Park. It was delightful. delightful. New York is beautiful and cultured and really a magical place to be.

Gabe and me on the Brooklyn Bridge. Beautiful Day. There's a building to the left of his face, looks like little boxes, I was obsessed with it.

Chinatown. $2.

View from the Winter Gardens.

Central Park.

I was obsessed with the tree behind me.

I also went to a few Apple stores (because I'm a nerd). But I really had a splendid time.

Boston

In Boston I was able to relax. I woke up, did crosswords, drank tea (tons of it!), talked my friends' ears off, socialized, really came back to myself. I gained perspective on a lot of things (and then lost it again in Charlotte, and then found it again). I came to love Boston. I hope to go to graduate school there. It feels...right, somehow.

Charleston

Did a 10k. w00t. 

Back home

I knew I had to make changes in my life. I have to not be lazy. I have to be the only motivation for me. So here's the plan!

1. Go to as many parks on as many days as possible! I've always loved parks. As a youngin', my daddy would take me all over. I would swing and love it and play and just relax at parks. Then in high school, my neighborhood park became kind of a social hub for my friends. Don't know what to do? Go there. Talk. Be together. Parks and trails bring about a peace in me. Can't explain it. Need more of it in my life.

Saw this little guy on the trail the other day!

2. Start dancing. or something. I keep talking about wanting to learn to dance so I'm just going to go do it! Even if I have to teach myself for a while and that mostly consist of hopping up and down in my house with the music on blast. I'm going to dance. I'm going to shake my tail feather (hah!).

3. Clean. I need to clean my house. I'm giving myself a list of chores to do every day or every night (depending on my work schedule). I need to do the dishes every night. vacuum 2x a week. laundry every night until i'm done. i'm going to get my home spotless. and that requires diligence.

4. Read Intuitive Eating. My best friend told me to, because it would help me, and I haven't yet. So I'm gonna. No excuses.

5. Sew! I found some really cute patterns for a sundress and skirt and cute fabric, so I'm gonna make myself some clothes. (I got 2x more fabric than I needed, so if anyone has requests, I'm taking them!)

For the skirt. It'll have slight pleats and a sash!

For the sundress. Oh la la!

6. Remember that I do have friends. and family. I have people I can go to when I need help. I'm not alone.

7. Stop being lazy. Simple as that.  

new food and motivation

updates from other posts:

thanks Colleen for the leggings solution--works like a charm.
Savor is an excellent book! I highly recommend for anyone who wants to seriously improve mindfulness in their life. The book speaks to both eating and living mindfully. It gives suggestions for realistic increments of mindfulness, including a month's worth of increasing breathing techniques. Since I've read this book, I'm starting to really understand what "focusing on breath" means. It's establishing a relationship between the brain and breath, the brain and body. The book provides some breathing meditations and sayings of thanks for everyday activities. (In fact, it reminds me greatly of Christian teachings and Thich Nhat Hanh's other book Living Budda, Living Christ.)

I've tried some new food.
Mung beans. I forget where I learned about these, but basically a bean of East Asia. Tiny and green, kind of look like peas. I think they taste like peas, but less strong. Not my favourite. I'll probably only eat them again if they're in a dish at a restaurant or dinner party or something.

Azuki beans. Also from East Asia, but mostly used in desserts. They are ovular, brown, and yummy! I like them a lot-- they remind me of non-schmushy pinto beans. Pretty good. I'll be finding good recipes for them.

Kale. not new, but a new recipe! Mum actually bought some from Earthfare for me with soy sauce and sesame seeds. It was so good. Seriously. Kale has a special place on my plate. highly recommended!

Quinoa. Also not new, but a new recipe, also from Earthfare. This had quinoa, raisins, diced apples, and cilantro. I nice mixture of sweet and a bit tangy. yum!  

Almond milk. Also not new! The plain milk tastes sooo good; it's a bit sweeter than cow milk. I like it best in cereal, but that's really the only time I drink milk now. I find it doesn't bloat me out as much and it isn't has heavy and thick to me. The same applies to chocolate milk, which doesn't have the thickness that I hate in cow milk but still retains a nice flavor. I have a glass every night now.

***

As far as mindfulness goes, I haven't focused on myself as much. I'm getting lost again in life's stresses and what I'm expected to do. Searching for a job is one of those stresses. But more on that later--I'm still waiting to hear from some important places. I need to re-focus my mind. I need to clean my room and kitchen, establish a quiet place, and allow silence to comfort me. I like relying on myself for happiness right now. It's like learning to trust myself again. Not just my instincts, but my being.

Week plans include continuing to apply for jobs, exercising, stopping nightly snacking, cleaning, and really listening to myself. Also trying out this electrolyte-drink recipe.

Getting started

the first post. i've historically been terrible at keeping a blog, but i need this. i'm not planning on giving out this blog address yet, but if you do come across it, feel free to follow.

this story isn't quite linear, so i'll start it at the latest turning point. a month ago (and two days after my 22nd birthday), my girlfriend of 3.5 years and i broke up. why? well frankly we fell out of love. but a major component of that is I don't truly know myself. I thought this ridiculous--of course i knew myself! i knew who i was with everyone else, and just because i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why animal prints or dill spices bother me, i knew myself pretty well. not true. i could define myself. but know myself? know the ins and outs--how i think, why i'm attracted to certain subjects, my deepest passions--no i don't think i know that.

when you combine that with multiple attempts to lose weight (more on that in a minute), rid myself of depression, and finding a job, i felt and still feel trapped in a cycle. i need to break free. rather than trying to avoid these things like usual, i've decided to turn inward. i'm taking a good look at myself. and i think it'll be for the best. i'm learning to live mindfully. some may call me a hippie (they're allowed), but i'm ready to add ancient medicine, eft, meditation, and mindfulness into my life.

a little bit more background:

weight
when i was 9, i suddenly began gaining weight. i blame puberty. but since then, i've always been chubby and feeling sorry for myself. i've "tried" losing weight, meaning that i've exercised and watched what i ate, like you're supposed to. but i never saw enough progress to keep me motivated. now, i'm thinking that my mind is keeping me from achieving my goal.

depression
started freshman year of college. first started with anxiety and then developed into severe depression. impossible to get rid of. i'm hesitant to use too many medications, because, likewise, i believe i am preventing myself from being happy. i also didn't realize, really, the stigma attached to depression. it is a viable medical condition, not something that can be *wished* away.

job
oh the joys of finding a job.

so, like i said, i'm trying to become more mindful and know myself. such a difficult journey! i have found a few books to aid me in my quest. the first two were gifts. list your self really is a book of lists--each page has a prompt, and you list things accordingly. how you do anything is how you do everything is a workbook based on eastern philosophies, involving life, lifestyles, and thoughts. savor, a book by thich nhat hahn and dr lilian cheung, focuses on eating mindfully as a way to live mindfully. by truly paying attention to how and what you eat, you release yourself from negative eating patterns. and finally, shift teaches the reader how to use eastern techniques to allow for positive thinking and ridding of negative thinking.

i'm also forcing myself to work out, involving myself in a running program. and i'm planning to clean out anything from my room that i do not need or use regularly. it's time to gain my life and mind back. i need to learn to make myself happy. and i think everything else will fall into place.