Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rives.
Meanwhile the wild geese high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

"Wild Geese"--Mary Oliver


So I think about this poem every day. Every single day. It calms me, it soothes me, it allows me to see myself from a different perspective. The poem evolves. Whenever I think of it, I find the meaning has changed from the previous time. The soft animal of your body. Powerful. Allowing yourself to trust your instincts, to not be ashamed of your feelings, to feel vulnerable. So much is right with this poem. It quells my anxieties. It allows me to breathe.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to write a ridiculously long post. Fortunately, I've mapped out sections, so you don't have to read everything if you don't want to.

1. Music
2. My personal life
3. Views on the word "queer" (because some discussions have presented themselves)

MUSIC

You must listen to Zoe Keating and Tracy Chapman immediately. Zoe Keating plays cello on a loop. Beautiful, mystical. I love her. I want to see her live. I especially like "sun will set" (video).

I'm also crazy into Tracy Chapman right now. She sings my life. My life. The good, the bad, the philosophies, the insecurities. She inspires me. My favourites are "Broken" and "Happy"

These are on repeat in my car right now. true story.


MY PERSONAL LIFE
meh I waited until the end to write this one, so I'm tired. I love my work. I love my work family. I get lots of hugs!! It's the best--because wow, if I didn't, I'd probably go a wee bit crazy(er) than usual. But now I'm trying to find motivation to work out and to pay for things that matter, like bills and medicine rather than socks. Although one could argue that socks matter.

Since it is Thanksgiving, I'm especially reminded of my gifts. I've been given working legs, a working brain, food for my stomach, my own room and bed, a loving cat, excellent friends who truly care about me, a job, a bottle of Gluehwein for Christmas time, books, a computer, a family that loves me very much, and a sense of humor to get me through the tough times. 

I'll update this more later. How about we do this: ask three questions. I'll answer honestly. :)


VIEWS ON THE WORD QUEER
People have heard me use the word queer, and they're surprised by it. To most, queer has been only used in derogatory ways. and that's true. but it's also true that the gay community is reclaiming the word. Queer Studies can be studied at many universities. the glbtQa (gay lesbian bisexual transgender queer and ally) community uses queer as a catch-all to include the non-specified members. Consult this site for more information on the queer terms. Long story short: I have no qualms with the word queer. I like using it in a standard context. Obviously, I don't approve of its derogatory use, but I approve of its normal use.

Pay particular attention to the term "pansexual;" it's how I identify myself. In my book, it also includes the way I love someone. When I look for a partner, I look for personality characters, not physical ones. That's why I consider myself pansexual as opposed to bisexual. But that's personal preference (people have disagreed with me before).

I'm also making an effort not to use the term "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (unless specified by the opposite party), instead using the word "partner." That gets tricky though, doesn't it? Because partner sounds more serious than b/g-friend. Partner implies a long-term commitment. Tricksy.

And so the busy autumn comes

So before I delve into this entry, I'm going to give a sidenote. I love calling this season Autumn and not Fall. It's more specific and it looks and sounds prettier.

Anywho, sorry I've been away for such a long time. I've gotten lost in all my excitement.
1. New Job. Woooooo! I'm gonna get paid soooooooon!!!
2. I am gearing up for graduate school/programs for last year. On the list in the US are Stanford, UC-Davis, and UNC. For overseas, I'm looking at Uni Münster and Uni Marburg (through DAAD). I'm looking at CBYX, a language immersion class, uni semester, and internship program. AND I'VE DECIDED TO APPLY TO CAMBRIDGE. Like, the one in the UK. True story. So I've been incredibly busy finding recs, writing essays, and filling out apps and such. And training for my new job.
3. I need to exercise again. I'm tired a lot (from #1 and 2), but I need to get moving and de-stress that way. ugggggh.
4. I've been doing my own research on Food Culture. I've become best friends with the library; I attended a presentation and meeting at Chapel Hill, and I'm trying to meet people in CLT. Apparently UNC-Charlotte is developing a sustainability program? awesome!
5. I've ALSO been marathoning through Q.I. I think that's my favourite show.

I don't know what else to write except thanks all for reading! and i won't find out about these grad schools and such until (at the earliest) March. boo.

more food and fun!

Let's start this off by saying that today I re-watched Food Inc, a documentary about the industry of food in the US. Compelling stuff. I made my mom watch it too (her first time), and I think it opened her eyes to the mass production of many of the US's products. Hopefully she'll comment here with her opinion. I think this docu is good as a base, or Foodmatters, but it should be used in combination with other resources. (For instance, Food Inc advocates buying organic, but doesn't mention that you have to buy your way into certification by the USDA. Many local farm aren't "certified" but they still practice organic and sustainable farming.)

I also read Eat to Live, by Dr. Fuhrman. I first saw him talking on PBS, explaining his eating plan. Basically, eat at least 1 lb raw veggies, 1 lb cooked veggies, 4 pieces of fruit, handful of nuts/seeds, and beans and legumes. The first six weeks are aggressive, including no animal meat or dairy products. I'm hoping this will help me stop having headaches, depression, and a weight issue. I'll keep you updated.

ETA: After sleeping a night and having the craziest dreams, I have decided to combine this and McDougall's recommended plan. I find salads so...boring? I don't know what it is, but I always dread eating salads. McD takes the side that a starch should be the centerpiece of the meal, not the salad. Of course, you should include as many vegetables as you can with that starch. He also says not as many fruits. So basically, I'm going to try to combine the two. Have my whole grains. I love having my oatmeal with peanut butter and banana. And I can have a starch-based lunch with veggies and fruit. And then a large salad for dinner. It combines the two. Talk on the internet pins them against each other, but I think we can find a way to make them work the best for us. 


Now for some fun!! I've composed (and am still in the process) a list of actors/actresses whom I feel have not been recognized for their awesome acting skills. So, in no particular order:

1. Gina Torres
I know her from Alias, Firefly/Serenity, and Angel. Awesome acting. Awesome characterization. and completely badass. You gotta love her!

2. Harry Groener

Played the Villain Mayor on Buffy and hippie Clint on How I Met Your Mother! Crazy difference.



3. Lindsay Price
First played talkative Cathy on How I Met Your Mother, then sassy Navy Lt. Pam Kim on NCIS.

**still looking for videos**

4. Morena Baccarin
Had the crazy eyes on How I Met Your Mother, and then starred as sexy companion Inara on Firefly/Serenity. 
**still looking for videos**

5. Joe Manganiello

Brad from How I Met Your Mother, a cameo on Scrubs, and now werewolf Alcide on True Blood.

feast or famine

So let me just start this off with: boy, I can be so depressing sometimes! I want this blog to reflect me--all of me--and aide me in my journey. So let's recap what's been going on.

Mum said to me: you're so afraid that the move you make will be a mistake, that you're not even moving. and boy, did that stick. that stuck good. I repeat that in my head a few times a day, especially when I need to make a decision.

These decisions include

1. Job. I have been approached for interviews, information, or job offers four times in the past week. That's one of those "feast or famine" situations. I have been struggling so much to find a job, or decide where to live, or any of that, and I have finally started to see results. I have accepted one position as petsitter (to pay for bills while I research...more on that in a minute). I hope to gain a position as "Location manager" for a local csa (not paid in money, paid in food! yum!). And perhaps another position at another local business (more info may be coming soon).

2. Research. I need to continue my research. I've checked out books, borrowed from friends, compiled a list of people around here, compiled websites, and I'm ready. well...almost. I need to set up my "office" and get my rear in gear! I am so excited to continue this. My first topic is the locavore movement/presence in CLT.

3. Grad School. I'm applying. The application goes up in September; due date end of November. I'm gonna make it. I know what I want.

In other news, cleaning house. petsitting. visited chapel hill, that was great. visiting it in early September for a German symphony concert!! things are looking up.

all about exercise

so this post is about exercise. i don't like exercise. specifically, i don't like cardio. cardio just... is annoying. i really need classes or accountability partners to do even 30 minutes of cardio. i do, however, love strength training. probably because it's easy for me to gain muscle (not easy for me to lose fat).

so, to force myself to do cardio, i've combined it with strength training. luck for me, the get-fit guy (love this guy!), talked about this in his podcast Which Workout Burns the Most Fat?

which workout burns the most fat?

A 2008 study at the University of California asked this very question, and had one group do cardio, another group do resistance training, and a final group do a concurrent training workout in which they ran for 30-60 seconds after completing each weight lifting set.

Even though each group did the same amount of work, the combination group experienced the following:

• a 35% greater improvement in lower body strength,

• a 53% greater improvement in lower body endurance,

• a 28% greater improvement in lower body flexibility,

• a 144 % greater improvement in upper body flexibility,

• an 82% greater improvement in muscle gains, and

• a 991 % greater loss in fat mass!

That means the combination group not only burned fat and built muscle at the same time, but the amount of fat they burned was a ten-fold increase over the amount burned by the groups that did cardio or resistance training only.

So without a doubt, combining cardio and resistance training will burn the fastest.

these are my go-tos:
kettlebell
boy do i hate kettlebell. this little device brings me misery. i end sore all over. i'm forced to do the hip swing, one armed swings, some kind of snatching maneuver, lunges, figure 8s. it's just a nightmare. but the workout is so efficient and people should mix up their workouts to confuse the body, that i force myself to do it once a week.

cardio strength
a butt kicker! seriously! we use stuff like bosus, balls, gliders, weights, kettlebells, mats, and everything in between. it doesn't require quite the endurance that kettlebell does, but it targets different things. the instructors have different approaches too. one instructor may switch between typical strength training and cardio. another may target multiple muscles at the same time as increasing the resistance, thereby making the heart go into a cardio zone.


but my favourite exercise of all time: PILATES.
although pilates was invented by German-born Joseph Pilates, he started developing the program in the UK and eventually came to the US, where it spread like wildfire. originally it was used as rehabilitation for wounded veterans. now, it's used to increase fitness. there are a few principles of pilates, which can be found here, but these are my highlights:
1. pilates stretches as it strengthens. the body is (mostly) the only tool used. the body controls what happens to the movements. it lengthens everything as it allows strengthening through controlled movement.
2. pilates focuses, especially on breath. the breath is nearly as important as the movement itself. everything is done with focus and intent.
3. pilates allows me to see new things my body can do. it's amazing how changing from a flexed foot to a pointed foot makes such a difference in its effect. it's remarkable, really.


that's all for now. i have some exciting news to share soon, but don't want to jinx too much. also read this blog. it's important.

new food and motivation

updates from other posts:

thanks Colleen for the leggings solution--works like a charm.
Savor is an excellent book! I highly recommend for anyone who wants to seriously improve mindfulness in their life. The book speaks to both eating and living mindfully. It gives suggestions for realistic increments of mindfulness, including a month's worth of increasing breathing techniques. Since I've read this book, I'm starting to really understand what "focusing on breath" means. It's establishing a relationship between the brain and breath, the brain and body. The book provides some breathing meditations and sayings of thanks for everyday activities. (In fact, it reminds me greatly of Christian teachings and Thich Nhat Hanh's other book Living Budda, Living Christ.)

I've tried some new food.
Mung beans. I forget where I learned about these, but basically a bean of East Asia. Tiny and green, kind of look like peas. I think they taste like peas, but less strong. Not my favourite. I'll probably only eat them again if they're in a dish at a restaurant or dinner party or something.

Azuki beans. Also from East Asia, but mostly used in desserts. They are ovular, brown, and yummy! I like them a lot-- they remind me of non-schmushy pinto beans. Pretty good. I'll be finding good recipes for them.

Kale. not new, but a new recipe! Mum actually bought some from Earthfare for me with soy sauce and sesame seeds. It was so good. Seriously. Kale has a special place on my plate. highly recommended!

Quinoa. Also not new, but a new recipe, also from Earthfare. This had quinoa, raisins, diced apples, and cilantro. I nice mixture of sweet and a bit tangy. yum!  

Almond milk. Also not new! The plain milk tastes sooo good; it's a bit sweeter than cow milk. I like it best in cereal, but that's really the only time I drink milk now. I find it doesn't bloat me out as much and it isn't has heavy and thick to me. The same applies to chocolate milk, which doesn't have the thickness that I hate in cow milk but still retains a nice flavor. I have a glass every night now.

***

As far as mindfulness goes, I haven't focused on myself as much. I'm getting lost again in life's stresses and what I'm expected to do. Searching for a job is one of those stresses. But more on that later--I'm still waiting to hear from some important places. I need to re-focus my mind. I need to clean my room and kitchen, establish a quiet place, and allow silence to comfort me. I like relying on myself for happiness right now. It's like learning to trust myself again. Not just my instincts, but my being.

Week plans include continuing to apply for jobs, exercising, stopping nightly snacking, cleaning, and really listening to myself. Also trying out this electrolyte-drink recipe.