Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rives.
Meanwhile the wild geese high in the clean blue air
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

"Wild Geese"--Mary Oliver


So I think about this poem every day. Every single day. It calms me, it soothes me, it allows me to see myself from a different perspective. The poem evolves. Whenever I think of it, I find the meaning has changed from the previous time. The soft animal of your body. Powerful. Allowing yourself to trust your instincts, to not be ashamed of your feelings, to feel vulnerable. So much is right with this poem. It quells my anxieties. It allows me to breathe.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I decided to write a ridiculously long post. Fortunately, I've mapped out sections, so you don't have to read everything if you don't want to.

1. Music
2. My personal life
3. Views on the word "queer" (because some discussions have presented themselves)

MUSIC

You must listen to Zoe Keating and Tracy Chapman immediately. Zoe Keating plays cello on a loop. Beautiful, mystical. I love her. I want to see her live. I especially like "sun will set" (video).

I'm also crazy into Tracy Chapman right now. She sings my life. My life. The good, the bad, the philosophies, the insecurities. She inspires me. My favourites are "Broken" and "Happy"

These are on repeat in my car right now. true story.


MY PERSONAL LIFE
meh I waited until the end to write this one, so I'm tired. I love my work. I love my work family. I get lots of hugs!! It's the best--because wow, if I didn't, I'd probably go a wee bit crazy(er) than usual. But now I'm trying to find motivation to work out and to pay for things that matter, like bills and medicine rather than socks. Although one could argue that socks matter.

Since it is Thanksgiving, I'm especially reminded of my gifts. I've been given working legs, a working brain, food for my stomach, my own room and bed, a loving cat, excellent friends who truly care about me, a job, a bottle of Gluehwein for Christmas time, books, a computer, a family that loves me very much, and a sense of humor to get me through the tough times. 

I'll update this more later. How about we do this: ask three questions. I'll answer honestly. :)


VIEWS ON THE WORD QUEER
People have heard me use the word queer, and they're surprised by it. To most, queer has been only used in derogatory ways. and that's true. but it's also true that the gay community is reclaiming the word. Queer Studies can be studied at many universities. the glbtQa (gay lesbian bisexual transgender queer and ally) community uses queer as a catch-all to include the non-specified members. Consult this site for more information on the queer terms. Long story short: I have no qualms with the word queer. I like using it in a standard context. Obviously, I don't approve of its derogatory use, but I approve of its normal use.

Pay particular attention to the term "pansexual;" it's how I identify myself. In my book, it also includes the way I love someone. When I look for a partner, I look for personality characters, not physical ones. That's why I consider myself pansexual as opposed to bisexual. But that's personal preference (people have disagreed with me before).

I'm also making an effort not to use the term "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" (unless specified by the opposite party), instead using the word "partner." That gets tricky though, doesn't it? Because partner sounds more serious than b/g-friend. Partner implies a long-term commitment. Tricksy.

And so the busy autumn comes

So before I delve into this entry, I'm going to give a sidenote. I love calling this season Autumn and not Fall. It's more specific and it looks and sounds prettier.

Anywho, sorry I've been away for such a long time. I've gotten lost in all my excitement.
1. New Job. Woooooo! I'm gonna get paid soooooooon!!!
2. I am gearing up for graduate school/programs for last year. On the list in the US are Stanford, UC-Davis, and UNC. For overseas, I'm looking at Uni Münster and Uni Marburg (through DAAD). I'm looking at CBYX, a language immersion class, uni semester, and internship program. AND I'VE DECIDED TO APPLY TO CAMBRIDGE. Like, the one in the UK. True story. So I've been incredibly busy finding recs, writing essays, and filling out apps and such. And training for my new job.
3. I need to exercise again. I'm tired a lot (from #1 and 2), but I need to get moving and de-stress that way. ugggggh.
4. I've been doing my own research on Food Culture. I've become best friends with the library; I attended a presentation and meeting at Chapel Hill, and I'm trying to meet people in CLT. Apparently UNC-Charlotte is developing a sustainability program? awesome!
5. I've ALSO been marathoning through Q.I. I think that's my favourite show.

I don't know what else to write except thanks all for reading! and i won't find out about these grad schools and such until (at the earliest) March. boo.

more food and fun!

Let's start this off by saying that today I re-watched Food Inc, a documentary about the industry of food in the US. Compelling stuff. I made my mom watch it too (her first time), and I think it opened her eyes to the mass production of many of the US's products. Hopefully she'll comment here with her opinion. I think this docu is good as a base, or Foodmatters, but it should be used in combination with other resources. (For instance, Food Inc advocates buying organic, but doesn't mention that you have to buy your way into certification by the USDA. Many local farm aren't "certified" but they still practice organic and sustainable farming.)

I also read Eat to Live, by Dr. Fuhrman. I first saw him talking on PBS, explaining his eating plan. Basically, eat at least 1 lb raw veggies, 1 lb cooked veggies, 4 pieces of fruit, handful of nuts/seeds, and beans and legumes. The first six weeks are aggressive, including no animal meat or dairy products. I'm hoping this will help me stop having headaches, depression, and a weight issue. I'll keep you updated.

ETA: After sleeping a night and having the craziest dreams, I have decided to combine this and McDougall's recommended plan. I find salads so...boring? I don't know what it is, but I always dread eating salads. McD takes the side that a starch should be the centerpiece of the meal, not the salad. Of course, you should include as many vegetables as you can with that starch. He also says not as many fruits. So basically, I'm going to try to combine the two. Have my whole grains. I love having my oatmeal with peanut butter and banana. And I can have a starch-based lunch with veggies and fruit. And then a large salad for dinner. It combines the two. Talk on the internet pins them against each other, but I think we can find a way to make them work the best for us. 


Now for some fun!! I've composed (and am still in the process) a list of actors/actresses whom I feel have not been recognized for their awesome acting skills. So, in no particular order:

1. Gina Torres
I know her from Alias, Firefly/Serenity, and Angel. Awesome acting. Awesome characterization. and completely badass. You gotta love her!

2. Harry Groener

Played the Villain Mayor on Buffy and hippie Clint on How I Met Your Mother! Crazy difference.



3. Lindsay Price
First played talkative Cathy on How I Met Your Mother, then sassy Navy Lt. Pam Kim on NCIS.

**still looking for videos**

4. Morena Baccarin
Had the crazy eyes on How I Met Your Mother, and then starred as sexy companion Inara on Firefly/Serenity. 
**still looking for videos**

5. Joe Manganiello

Brad from How I Met Your Mother, a cameo on Scrubs, and now werewolf Alcide on True Blood.

feast or famine

So let me just start this off with: boy, I can be so depressing sometimes! I want this blog to reflect me--all of me--and aide me in my journey. So let's recap what's been going on.

Mum said to me: you're so afraid that the move you make will be a mistake, that you're not even moving. and boy, did that stick. that stuck good. I repeat that in my head a few times a day, especially when I need to make a decision.

These decisions include

1. Job. I have been approached for interviews, information, or job offers four times in the past week. That's one of those "feast or famine" situations. I have been struggling so much to find a job, or decide where to live, or any of that, and I have finally started to see results. I have accepted one position as petsitter (to pay for bills while I research...more on that in a minute). I hope to gain a position as "Location manager" for a local csa (not paid in money, paid in food! yum!). And perhaps another position at another local business (more info may be coming soon).

2. Research. I need to continue my research. I've checked out books, borrowed from friends, compiled a list of people around here, compiled websites, and I'm ready. well...almost. I need to set up my "office" and get my rear in gear! I am so excited to continue this. My first topic is the locavore movement/presence in CLT.

3. Grad School. I'm applying. The application goes up in September; due date end of November. I'm gonna make it. I know what I want.

In other news, cleaning house. petsitting. visited chapel hill, that was great. visiting it in early September for a German symphony concert!! things are looking up.

all about exercise

so this post is about exercise. i don't like exercise. specifically, i don't like cardio. cardio just... is annoying. i really need classes or accountability partners to do even 30 minutes of cardio. i do, however, love strength training. probably because it's easy for me to gain muscle (not easy for me to lose fat).

so, to force myself to do cardio, i've combined it with strength training. luck for me, the get-fit guy (love this guy!), talked about this in his podcast Which Workout Burns the Most Fat?

which workout burns the most fat?

A 2008 study at the University of California asked this very question, and had one group do cardio, another group do resistance training, and a final group do a concurrent training workout in which they ran for 30-60 seconds after completing each weight lifting set.

Even though each group did the same amount of work, the combination group experienced the following:

• a 35% greater improvement in lower body strength,

• a 53% greater improvement in lower body endurance,

• a 28% greater improvement in lower body flexibility,

• a 144 % greater improvement in upper body flexibility,

• an 82% greater improvement in muscle gains, and

• a 991 % greater loss in fat mass!

That means the combination group not only burned fat and built muscle at the same time, but the amount of fat they burned was a ten-fold increase over the amount burned by the groups that did cardio or resistance training only.

So without a doubt, combining cardio and resistance training will burn the fastest.

these are my go-tos:
kettlebell
boy do i hate kettlebell. this little device brings me misery. i end sore all over. i'm forced to do the hip swing, one armed swings, some kind of snatching maneuver, lunges, figure 8s. it's just a nightmare. but the workout is so efficient and people should mix up their workouts to confuse the body, that i force myself to do it once a week.

cardio strength
a butt kicker! seriously! we use stuff like bosus, balls, gliders, weights, kettlebells, mats, and everything in between. it doesn't require quite the endurance that kettlebell does, but it targets different things. the instructors have different approaches too. one instructor may switch between typical strength training and cardio. another may target multiple muscles at the same time as increasing the resistance, thereby making the heart go into a cardio zone.


but my favourite exercise of all time: PILATES.
although pilates was invented by German-born Joseph Pilates, he started developing the program in the UK and eventually came to the US, where it spread like wildfire. originally it was used as rehabilitation for wounded veterans. now, it's used to increase fitness. there are a few principles of pilates, which can be found here, but these are my highlights:
1. pilates stretches as it strengthens. the body is (mostly) the only tool used. the body controls what happens to the movements. it lengthens everything as it allows strengthening through controlled movement.
2. pilates focuses, especially on breath. the breath is nearly as important as the movement itself. everything is done with focus and intent.
3. pilates allows me to see new things my body can do. it's amazing how changing from a flexed foot to a pointed foot makes such a difference in its effect. it's remarkable, really.


that's all for now. i have some exciting news to share soon, but don't want to jinx too much. also read this blog. it's important.

new food and motivation

updates from other posts:

thanks Colleen for the leggings solution--works like a charm.
Savor is an excellent book! I highly recommend for anyone who wants to seriously improve mindfulness in their life. The book speaks to both eating and living mindfully. It gives suggestions for realistic increments of mindfulness, including a month's worth of increasing breathing techniques. Since I've read this book, I'm starting to really understand what "focusing on breath" means. It's establishing a relationship between the brain and breath, the brain and body. The book provides some breathing meditations and sayings of thanks for everyday activities. (In fact, it reminds me greatly of Christian teachings and Thich Nhat Hanh's other book Living Budda, Living Christ.)

I've tried some new food.
Mung beans. I forget where I learned about these, but basically a bean of East Asia. Tiny and green, kind of look like peas. I think they taste like peas, but less strong. Not my favourite. I'll probably only eat them again if they're in a dish at a restaurant or dinner party or something.

Azuki beans. Also from East Asia, but mostly used in desserts. They are ovular, brown, and yummy! I like them a lot-- they remind me of non-schmushy pinto beans. Pretty good. I'll be finding good recipes for them.

Kale. not new, but a new recipe! Mum actually bought some from Earthfare for me with soy sauce and sesame seeds. It was so good. Seriously. Kale has a special place on my plate. highly recommended!

Quinoa. Also not new, but a new recipe, also from Earthfare. This had quinoa, raisins, diced apples, and cilantro. I nice mixture of sweet and a bit tangy. yum!  

Almond milk. Also not new! The plain milk tastes sooo good; it's a bit sweeter than cow milk. I like it best in cereal, but that's really the only time I drink milk now. I find it doesn't bloat me out as much and it isn't has heavy and thick to me. The same applies to chocolate milk, which doesn't have the thickness that I hate in cow milk but still retains a nice flavor. I have a glass every night now.

***

As far as mindfulness goes, I haven't focused on myself as much. I'm getting lost again in life's stresses and what I'm expected to do. Searching for a job is one of those stresses. But more on that later--I'm still waiting to hear from some important places. I need to re-focus my mind. I need to clean my room and kitchen, establish a quiet place, and allow silence to comfort me. I like relying on myself for happiness right now. It's like learning to trust myself again. Not just my instincts, but my being.

Week plans include continuing to apply for jobs, exercising, stopping nightly snacking, cleaning, and really listening to myself. Also trying out this electrolyte-drink recipe.

Meeting people + depression

Okay, so since I've graduated school and haven't been hired anywhere, I'm basically stuck with limited places to go and people to meet. I'm also trying to figure out my sources of entertainment. i know I like to stay at home and relax. But that's not always practical, you know? I need to start forcing myself out of the house and meet people, because whether I like it or not, I'm in a catch 22. I am so tired of being lonely but I'm not doing anything to make myself less lonely. Well, kind of.

Place to meet people #1:
The gym. I've been going to the gym as per doctor's urge. I need to lose fat and be healthy, and what better place than the gym? It's actually the Y. I'm so lucky to have such a big and welcoming Y near my house.  The weird thing is that every day someone talks to me. I'm so used to being in the corner and slipping in and out. Not the case! Someone new talks to me each time I'm there. I'm becoming a regular. I wave to people. I talk to people. Those who know me know that I can talk, but I don't feel comfortable talking with complete strangers... or so I've led myself to believe. I like talking to people. It's really fun! so that's a good place to meet people. (and it motivates me to continue going)

Place to meet people #2:
The club. Alright, so this one's a bit hazy. Technically, it's a place to meet people. In reality, it's a place to get wasted, dance with people, become deaf, and torture your feet. I do not like to go clubbing. I went because the last time I went clubbing I was 18, and I wanted to know if the experience is different over 21. It's not. I just cannot stand all that... lack of respect? I didn't respect myself to get dolled up (which I actually don't mind) just to dance with people and drink and NOT TALK. I'm sorry, conversation is essential to my meeting-people night-enjoyment plan. So that's something I learned about myself and I hope never to make that mistake again.


While we're on the why-I'm-meeting-people-catch-22-thing, I think I should digress to a talk about depression. Depression is serious. It's an actual disorder which, if untreated, can significantly harm someone or others. I think in the US there's this notion that those depressed need to "just stop being sad."
1. depression is linked with hormones in the body. if the hormones are not working properly, then depression can become even more severe.
2. depression has a documented correlation with genes. some people are simply more likely to be depressed.
3. depression manifests itself in different ways in different people. Some sleep all the time; some sleep only a few hours a night. depression has "typical" symptoms, but they still vary! just like the reasons and solutions for depression in people.
4. depression hinders hope. at least in me, it does. I cannot just simply decide to "stop being sad." Depression isn't sadness. I can be a happy depressed person (and I am, lately, most of the time). Depression saps the motivation and drive out of me. On a logical scale, I understand how to make myself happier. But on an energy scale, on a lifestyle incorporation scale, I have to convince myself and then force myself to do something I don't want to do even if I may need to do it. Sometimes I don't even have enough energy to correct someone or open my mouth to talk about a subject I'm passionate about (and as I mentioned above, I love to talk).
5. depression does not mean that I am less intelligent, less able to perform tasks, or less adept at accepting bad news.
6. you do not have to remind me that i'm depressed. i know i am. you also don't have to tiptoe around the subject. that doesn't mean every time you see me you ask, "how's your depression?" and i definitely don't want someone to ask "so what you depressed about?" (the answer: i don't know. it's not one or a list of things).
7. please, please do not criticize me (or anyone) for using medicine to help. For those interested, I resisted medicine for 2.5 years because I am so hesitant to use any kind of medicine. Then I broke down, contacted someone, and now I'm using medicine to help. I'm also using other methods, such as the lifelong-habit of exercise, self pep-talks, and eastern medicine practices. I understand concern and letting me know possible complications from using medicine, but please don't tell me that I'm wrong or weak for doing so. I know my relationship with my depression better than you.

Do feel free to question me about it. I'm pretty honest about these things. I love talking, after all.

<3 b

Chafing

So one thing they tell you, but they never detail to you are the difficulties of exercise.

myth: 
exercise makes you happy

fact:
Okay, so technically endorphins are still released. The brain still makes you happy. But, really, when you don't exercise you forget that you may feel better, so you keep thinking that exercise is just a big pain.

The other big problem with exercise: it makes you chafe. BIG TIME. especially when you're so big that your skin constantly meets other skin. That does not make me happy. Feeling pain after I exercise (not even talking about the DOMS) does not make me feel happy!

myth:
kettlebell is fun
fact:
kettlebell is the devil, but sometimes the fire can make you work harder.

In other news, I need to read more, watch tv less, and talk to nutritionists and psychologists.

Getting started

the first post. i've historically been terrible at keeping a blog, but i need this. i'm not planning on giving out this blog address yet, but if you do come across it, feel free to follow.

this story isn't quite linear, so i'll start it at the latest turning point. a month ago (and two days after my 22nd birthday), my girlfriend of 3.5 years and i broke up. why? well frankly we fell out of love. but a major component of that is I don't truly know myself. I thought this ridiculous--of course i knew myself! i knew who i was with everyone else, and just because i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why animal prints or dill spices bother me, i knew myself pretty well. not true. i could define myself. but know myself? know the ins and outs--how i think, why i'm attracted to certain subjects, my deepest passions--no i don't think i know that.

when you combine that with multiple attempts to lose weight (more on that in a minute), rid myself of depression, and finding a job, i felt and still feel trapped in a cycle. i need to break free. rather than trying to avoid these things like usual, i've decided to turn inward. i'm taking a good look at myself. and i think it'll be for the best. i'm learning to live mindfully. some may call me a hippie (they're allowed), but i'm ready to add ancient medicine, eft, meditation, and mindfulness into my life.

a little bit more background:

weight
when i was 9, i suddenly began gaining weight. i blame puberty. but since then, i've always been chubby and feeling sorry for myself. i've "tried" losing weight, meaning that i've exercised and watched what i ate, like you're supposed to. but i never saw enough progress to keep me motivated. now, i'm thinking that my mind is keeping me from achieving my goal.

depression
started freshman year of college. first started with anxiety and then developed into severe depression. impossible to get rid of. i'm hesitant to use too many medications, because, likewise, i believe i am preventing myself from being happy. i also didn't realize, really, the stigma attached to depression. it is a viable medical condition, not something that can be *wished* away.

job
oh the joys of finding a job.

so, like i said, i'm trying to become more mindful and know myself. such a difficult journey! i have found a few books to aid me in my quest. the first two were gifts. list your self really is a book of lists--each page has a prompt, and you list things accordingly. how you do anything is how you do everything is a workbook based on eastern philosophies, involving life, lifestyles, and thoughts. savor, a book by thich nhat hahn and dr lilian cheung, focuses on eating mindfully as a way to live mindfully. by truly paying attention to how and what you eat, you release yourself from negative eating patterns. and finally, shift teaches the reader how to use eastern techniques to allow for positive thinking and ridding of negative thinking.

i'm also forcing myself to work out, involving myself in a running program. and i'm planning to clean out anything from my room that i do not need or use regularly. it's time to gain my life and mind back. i need to learn to make myself happy. and i think everything else will fall into place.