Okay, so since I've graduated school and haven't been hired anywhere, I'm basically stuck with limited places to go and people to meet. I'm also trying to figure out my sources of entertainment. i know I like to stay at home and relax. But that's not always practical, you know? I need to start forcing myself out of the house and meet people, because whether I like it or not, I'm in a catch 22. I am so tired of being lonely but I'm not doing anything to make myself less lonely. Well, kind of.
Place to meet people #1:
The gym. I've been going to the gym as per doctor's urge. I need to lose fat and be healthy, and what better place than the gym? It's actually the Y. I'm so lucky to have such a big and welcoming Y near my house. The weird thing is that every day someone talks to me. I'm so used to being in the corner and slipping in and out. Not the case! Someone new talks to me each time I'm there. I'm becoming a regular. I wave to people. I talk to people. Those who know me know that I can talk, but I don't feel comfortable talking with complete strangers... or so I've led myself to believe. I like talking to people. It's really fun! so that's a good place to meet people. (and it motivates me to continue going)
Place to meet people #2:
The club. Alright, so this one's a bit hazy. Technically, it's a place to meet people. In reality, it's a place to get wasted, dance with people, become deaf, and torture your feet. I do not like to go clubbing. I went because the last time I went clubbing I was 18, and I wanted to know if the experience is different over 21. It's not. I just cannot stand all that... lack of respect? I didn't respect myself to get dolled up (which I actually don't mind) just to dance with people and drink and NOT TALK. I'm sorry, conversation is essential to my meeting-people night-enjoyment plan. So that's something I learned about myself and I hope never to make that mistake again.
While we're on the why-I'm-meeting-people-catch-22-thing, I think I should digress to a talk about depression. Depression is serious. It's an actual disorder which, if untreated, can significantly harm someone or others. I think in the US there's this notion that those depressed need to "just stop being sad."
1. depression is linked with hormones in the body. if the hormones are not working properly, then depression can become even more severe.
2. depression has a documented correlation with genes. some people are simply more likely to be depressed.
3. depression manifests itself in different ways in different people. Some sleep all the time; some sleep only a few hours a night. depression has "typical" symptoms, but they still vary! just like the reasons and solutions for depression in people.
4. depression hinders hope. at least in me, it does. I cannot just simply decide to "stop being sad." Depression isn't sadness. I can be a happy depressed person (and I am, lately, most of the time). Depression saps the motivation and drive out of me. On a logical scale, I understand how to make myself happier. But on an energy scale, on a lifestyle incorporation scale, I have to convince myself and then force myself to do something I don't want to do even if I may need to do it. Sometimes I don't even have enough energy to correct someone or open my mouth to talk about a subject I'm passionate about (and as I mentioned above, I love to talk).
5. depression does not mean that I am less intelligent, less able to perform tasks, or less adept at accepting bad news.
6. you do not have to remind me that i'm depressed. i know i am. you also don't have to tiptoe around the subject. that doesn't mean every time you see me you ask, "how's your depression?" and i definitely don't want someone to ask "so what you depressed about?" (the answer: i don't know. it's not one or a list of things).
7. please, please do not criticize me (or anyone) for using medicine to help. For those interested, I resisted medicine for 2.5 years because I am so hesitant to use any kind of medicine. Then I broke down, contacted someone, and now I'm using medicine to help. I'm also using other methods, such as the lifelong-habit of exercise, self pep-talks, and eastern medicine practices. I understand concern and letting me know possible complications from using medicine, but please don't tell me that I'm wrong or weak for doing so. I know my relationship with my depression better than you.
Do feel free to question me about it. I'm pretty honest about these things. I love talking, after all.
<3 b
31 July 2011
19 July 2011
Chafing
So one thing they tell you, but they never detail to you are the difficulties of exercise.
myth:
exercise makes you happy
fact:
Okay, so technically endorphins are still released. The brain still makes you happy. But, really, when you don't exercise you forget that you may feel better, so you keep thinking that exercise is just a big pain.
The other big problem with exercise: it makes you chafe. BIG TIME. especially when you're so big that your skin constantly meets other skin. That does not make me happy. Feeling pain after I exercise (not even talking about the DOMS) does not make me feel happy!
myth:
kettlebell is fun
fact:
kettlebell is the devil, but sometimes the fire can make you work harder.
In other news, I need to read more, watch tv less, and talk to nutritionists and psychologists.
myth:
exercise makes you happy
fact:
Okay, so technically endorphins are still released. The brain still makes you happy. But, really, when you don't exercise you forget that you may feel better, so you keep thinking that exercise is just a big pain.
The other big problem with exercise: it makes you chafe. BIG TIME. especially when you're so big that your skin constantly meets other skin. That does not make me happy. Feeling pain after I exercise (not even talking about the DOMS) does not make me feel happy!
myth:
kettlebell is fun
fact:
kettlebell is the devil, but sometimes the fire can make you work harder.
In other news, I need to read more, watch tv less, and talk to nutritionists and psychologists.
16 July 2011
Getting started
the first post. i've historically been terrible at keeping a blog, but i need this. i'm not planning on giving out this blog address yet, but if you do come across it, feel free to follow.
this story isn't quite linear, so i'll start it at the latest turning point. a month ago (and two days after my 22nd birthday), my girlfriend of 3.5 years and i broke up. why? well frankly we fell out of love. but a major component of that is I don't truly know myself. I thought this ridiculous--of course i knew myself! i knew who i was with everyone else, and just because i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why animal prints or dill spices bother me, i knew myself pretty well. not true. i could define myself. but know myself? know the ins and outs--how i think, why i'm attracted to certain subjects, my deepest passions--no i don't think i know that.
when you combine that with multiple attempts to lose weight (more on that in a minute), rid myself of depression, and finding a job, i felt and still feel trapped in a cycle. i need to break free. rather than trying to avoid these things like usual, i've decided to turn inward. i'm taking a good look at myself. and i think it'll be for the best. i'm learning to live mindfully. some may call me a hippie (they're allowed), but i'm ready to add ancient medicine, eft, meditation, and mindfulness into my life.
a little bit more background:
weight
when i was 9, i suddenly began gaining weight. i blame puberty. but since then, i've always been chubby and feeling sorry for myself. i've "tried" losing weight, meaning that i've exercised and watched what i ate, like you're supposed to. but i never saw enough progress to keep me motivated. now, i'm thinking that my mind is keeping me from achieving my goal.
depression
started freshman year of college. first started with anxiety and then developed into severe depression. impossible to get rid of. i'm hesitant to use too many medications, because, likewise, i believe i am preventing myself from being happy. i also didn't realize, really, the stigma attached to depression. it is a viable medical condition, not something that can be *wished* away.
job
oh the joys of finding a job.
so, like i said, i'm trying to become more mindful and know myself. such a difficult journey! i have found a few books to aid me in my quest. the first two were gifts. list your self really is a book of lists--each page has a prompt, and you list things accordingly. how you do anything is how you do everything is a workbook based on eastern philosophies, involving life, lifestyles, and thoughts. savor, a book by thich nhat hahn and dr lilian cheung, focuses on eating mindfully as a way to live mindfully. by truly paying attention to how and what you eat, you release yourself from negative eating patterns. and finally, shift teaches the reader how to use eastern techniques to allow for positive thinking and ridding of negative thinking.
i'm also forcing myself to work out, involving myself in a running program. and i'm planning to clean out anything from my room that i do not need or use regularly. it's time to gain my life and mind back. i need to learn to make myself happy. and i think everything else will fall into place.
this story isn't quite linear, so i'll start it at the latest turning point. a month ago (and two days after my 22nd birthday), my girlfriend of 3.5 years and i broke up. why? well frankly we fell out of love. but a major component of that is I don't truly know myself. I thought this ridiculous--of course i knew myself! i knew who i was with everyone else, and just because i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why animal prints or dill spices bother me, i knew myself pretty well. not true. i could define myself. but know myself? know the ins and outs--how i think, why i'm attracted to certain subjects, my deepest passions--no i don't think i know that.
when you combine that with multiple attempts to lose weight (more on that in a minute), rid myself of depression, and finding a job, i felt and still feel trapped in a cycle. i need to break free. rather than trying to avoid these things like usual, i've decided to turn inward. i'm taking a good look at myself. and i think it'll be for the best. i'm learning to live mindfully. some may call me a hippie (they're allowed), but i'm ready to add ancient medicine, eft, meditation, and mindfulness into my life.
a little bit more background:
weight
when i was 9, i suddenly began gaining weight. i blame puberty. but since then, i've always been chubby and feeling sorry for myself. i've "tried" losing weight, meaning that i've exercised and watched what i ate, like you're supposed to. but i never saw enough progress to keep me motivated. now, i'm thinking that my mind is keeping me from achieving my goal.
depression
started freshman year of college. first started with anxiety and then developed into severe depression. impossible to get rid of. i'm hesitant to use too many medications, because, likewise, i believe i am preventing myself from being happy. i also didn't realize, really, the stigma attached to depression. it is a viable medical condition, not something that can be *wished* away.
job
oh the joys of finding a job.
so, like i said, i'm trying to become more mindful and know myself. such a difficult journey! i have found a few books to aid me in my quest. the first two were gifts. list your self really is a book of lists--each page has a prompt, and you list things accordingly. how you do anything is how you do everything is a workbook based on eastern philosophies, involving life, lifestyles, and thoughts. savor, a book by thich nhat hahn and dr lilian cheung, focuses on eating mindfully as a way to live mindfully. by truly paying attention to how and what you eat, you release yourself from negative eating patterns. and finally, shift teaches the reader how to use eastern techniques to allow for positive thinking and ridding of negative thinking.
i'm also forcing myself to work out, involving myself in a running program. and i'm planning to clean out anything from my room that i do not need or use regularly. it's time to gain my life and mind back. i need to learn to make myself happy. and i think everything else will fall into place.
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