Getting started

the first post. i've historically been terrible at keeping a blog, but i need this. i'm not planning on giving out this blog address yet, but if you do come across it, feel free to follow.

this story isn't quite linear, so i'll start it at the latest turning point. a month ago (and two days after my 22nd birthday), my girlfriend of 3.5 years and i broke up. why? well frankly we fell out of love. but a major component of that is I don't truly know myself. I thought this ridiculous--of course i knew myself! i knew who i was with everyone else, and just because i couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why animal prints or dill spices bother me, i knew myself pretty well. not true. i could define myself. but know myself? know the ins and outs--how i think, why i'm attracted to certain subjects, my deepest passions--no i don't think i know that.

when you combine that with multiple attempts to lose weight (more on that in a minute), rid myself of depression, and finding a job, i felt and still feel trapped in a cycle. i need to break free. rather than trying to avoid these things like usual, i've decided to turn inward. i'm taking a good look at myself. and i think it'll be for the best. i'm learning to live mindfully. some may call me a hippie (they're allowed), but i'm ready to add ancient medicine, eft, meditation, and mindfulness into my life.

a little bit more background:

weight
when i was 9, i suddenly began gaining weight. i blame puberty. but since then, i've always been chubby and feeling sorry for myself. i've "tried" losing weight, meaning that i've exercised and watched what i ate, like you're supposed to. but i never saw enough progress to keep me motivated. now, i'm thinking that my mind is keeping me from achieving my goal.

depression
started freshman year of college. first started with anxiety and then developed into severe depression. impossible to get rid of. i'm hesitant to use too many medications, because, likewise, i believe i am preventing myself from being happy. i also didn't realize, really, the stigma attached to depression. it is a viable medical condition, not something that can be *wished* away.

job
oh the joys of finding a job.

so, like i said, i'm trying to become more mindful and know myself. such a difficult journey! i have found a few books to aid me in my quest. the first two were gifts. list your self really is a book of lists--each page has a prompt, and you list things accordingly. how you do anything is how you do everything is a workbook based on eastern philosophies, involving life, lifestyles, and thoughts. savor, a book by thich nhat hahn and dr lilian cheung, focuses on eating mindfully as a way to live mindfully. by truly paying attention to how and what you eat, you release yourself from negative eating patterns. and finally, shift teaches the reader how to use eastern techniques to allow for positive thinking and ridding of negative thinking.

i'm also forcing myself to work out, involving myself in a running program. and i'm planning to clean out anything from my room that i do not need or use regularly. it's time to gain my life and mind back. i need to learn to make myself happy. and i think everything else will fall into place.